November = Lung Cancer Awareness Month
August 21, 2010. Still seems like yesterday.
At 6:31pm I lost the love of my life, the father of my children, to lung cancer. Joey gave it his all, in Joey style, for 10 incredible months but slipped away that evening at home with his mother, his 9 yr old son and myself at his bedside.
Every single minute of every single day I MISS HIM. And every single minute of those every days, I know he is with us.
November being LUNG CANCER AWARENESS MONTH causes for daily reflection of this disease, of Joey, and how I and how all of us can be more aware so that there can be change so that no other individual and family has to feel the affects of LUNG CANCER because…..
I miss him for himself, his sense of humor, and all the things I fell in love with him for.
…a spouse’s death leaves an emptiness that is hard to fill. There’s no one in the house with whom to share the events of the day, discuss the broken pipes and rotten politics, relish the antics and achievements of the children.
It is not just that I will miss my husband’s company, his acerbic wit, and his astute commentary at movies, tv shows and sporting events. There are also practical issues that serve as daily reminders of his absence. Who will open the jar that defies my efforts, close a stuck window, hold the ladder while I change a light bulb, hold the yard bag open for the leaves I raked, take the wheel when I’m too sleepy to drive?
I’m not good at asking others for help.
I miss him for himself, his sense of humor, and all the things I fell in love with him for. But I seem somehow to feel his loss most keenly for all the things, the little things, he did for me like: snuggling when I was feeling down; pushing me to keep trying; and even just telling me, gently, when I was being foolish.
I did not adjust quickly to having to maintain everything about my life entirely by myself, and in some ways, I still have not. It’s hardest, though, to figure out who I am without him and strive to be that person.